i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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