I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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