If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
