It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
