You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think my fart just growled at me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
