I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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