my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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