I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
