we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
