they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
