i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
