Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
