Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
