Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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