What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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