Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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