I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
A+ Viking dick
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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