Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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