I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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