The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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