I want you more than these girls want KFC
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
