this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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