I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
