Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
