I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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