My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
