Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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