You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
