I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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