u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize