On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize