His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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