No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
