Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
