Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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