I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
