Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
