Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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