How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
