Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
