Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
