I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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