I want you more than these girls want KFC
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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