I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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