There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
