did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
