Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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