im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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