My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
