So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
