Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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