I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize