i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
NoShamevember. You game?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I have aggressive nipples.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
