"it" just moved
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
