I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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