does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
