Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
