I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
