my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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