my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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