he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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