I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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