based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize