Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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